I’m going to be honest—these last few weeks have been really, really hard. It seems like I can’t stay on top of everything and I’m struggling to stay afloat. The deadlines just keep coming at me and I feel like I am always forgetting something I have to do. I know I’m not the only one who feels like this. I think we forget sometimes, but let me remind you—U of T is a really, really tough school.
We’re in one of the most competitive academic environments and that atmosphere can feel suppressing. Lately, the conversation around mental health on campus has grown a bit louder and I think we need to keep that conversation going. It feels awkward and uncomfortable to talk about sometimes, but we need to push through the awkwardness and keep talking about it. So here’s what I have to say.
I think a lot of us come in to U of T with really high expectations for ourselves—I know I did. I was at the top of my high school class, accustomed to getting all A’s, all the time. I hadn’t quite wrapped my head around just how rigorous and intense the academics were at this school. I didn’t think anything would change, that I would keep doing well, as I always had. But of course, I wouldn’t do as well. I began feeling like I wasn’t good enough, like I was always coming up short, even though I was trying my very best. I’ll admit, I’m a bit of a perfectionist, and I don’t go easy on myself when it comes to school. But in my second year, I got my first-ever F on an assignment. I felt so disappointed in myself. All of these feelings I had about myself that were so intrinsically linked to my academic performance left me feeling like I was a failure, not just in school, but as a person.
I know many of us struggle with the imposter syndrome: feeling like we don’t belong here. I’ve felt this on and off for the last four years. All of these negative, doubting feelings have led my mental health to decline. But what I’m finally realizing is that my worth as a person is not defined by my GPA. Nothing is more important than my health. I’ve spent so long neglecting other aspects of my life in pursuit of good grades and never stopped to realize that I wasn’t truly living. I was just trying to scrape by. These last few months, I’ve been trying to prioritize my physical and mental well-being above my academic well-being. Of course, it’s been a challenge and I have moments where I dip and start letting those nagging thoughts sneak in, like I have these last few weeks. But the point is that I’m trying.
I know I feel my very best after I finish working out. In that hour at the gym, I’m not consumed by anxiety or thoughts about school. I’m focused on each rep I’m doing or each minute I’ve spent running. Physical activity has really helped to get me out of my head, both in the gym and outside of it. That focus carries into the rest of my day and quiets the negative thoughts in my head. I also take advantage of little boosts of physical activity on campus with events like MoveU’s Brain Break, where I can step away from my work for ten minutes and get my heart-rate up, all without ever leaving the library! Everybody’s different, but I know what works for me. It’s important to find balance and to remember that life exists outside of U of T and that nothing takes precedence over your well-being.